The Heart Of The Amazon

So much for calling me soon! It's been 5 hours. 5! I've been waiting. I'm so depressed. He's been gone for 4 days, since he left everything has been crap for me. I've had several breakdowns, and 2 panic attacks. I'm going crazy. And now he won't even call when he says he will. I'm so worthless.

This is... weird and difficult.

In a years time, I'll be going off to university, with the original and final plan of Sheffield. Sounds simple enough really. However, my mum recently has decided she wants to move over to Cyprus where my aunt and uncle are when I go off to university. So I can go with them or stay here. It seems like a great oppurtunity, learn Greek, go to a sunny country and study a subject I love with the best part of my family close by. Unfortunately, it's not so simple. I have a boyfriend here in England. A guy I've been best friends with for years, and we've been through a lot together. I truly and honestly love him. But he won't leave his family.

It's a stupidly difficult and unfair choice. I'd be leaving my family if I stay here. I love the university I've basically chosen to go to. Greek is difficult to learn. If I go, I leave him behind. AND I'm expected to make this decision whilst doing A2 levels. Does anyone sense the slightest bit of injustice?

One of the teachers I respect the most at school told me I should stay. But I don't know how easy it would be to be so far away from my mother, I'd lose one of the few people I can talk to about anything. And the only time I've spent more than 1 week away from her was when I went to America when I was little, and I had my nan then... so I don't really know what to do. It's hard to really think about it clearly. If he would go with me and the course were decent, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. There's nothing else here for me. But that one, impossible tie to England makes this decision the hardest one I've ever made. It worries me that something might go wrong, and I'd be left with no-one, but the situation would be the same for him if he moved with me, the difference being that his parents would probably be able to fly him back quicker and it'f be easier to start taking up a course back in England, than for me to try and quick-learn Greek and start taking one up in the middle of Cyprus.

*Sigh* I just don't know what to do.

I feel as though something is not quite right inside. Somewhere a piece of me is fading and I don't feel like myself. I don't know what is wrong, it's hard to pinpoint the feeling. I hope it goes away.

I have sat here all morning trying to log in to Windows Live Messenger and it can't even be consistent in its error messages. Not to mention the fact that I could pedal my internet faster than it runs itself. There is absolutely no need for the computer to be running this slowly and it's driving me mad. So now I have noone to talk to at all. This is teh suxxorz.

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I'm shooting signals in the air,
'Cause I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own,
So I'm givin' up myself
Is anybody listenin', listenin'?

I've been stranded here and I'm miles away
Making signals hoping they would save me
I lock myself inside these walls
'Cause out there I'm always wrong
I don't think I'm gonna make it
So while I'm sitting here on the eve of my defeat
I write this letter and hope it saves me

[chorus:]
Is anybody listening?
Can you hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
'Cause I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
So I'm givin' up myself
Is anybody listenin', listenin'?

I'm stuck in my own head and I'm oceans away
Would anybody notice if I chose to stay here?
I'll send an S.O.S. tonight
And wonder if I will survive
How in the hell did I get so far away this time?
So now I'm sitting here
The time of my departure's near
I say a pray please, someone save me

Isn't anybody listenin'?
Can you hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
'CuzI need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
So I'm givin' up myself
Isn't anybody listenin', listenin'?

[chorus]
I'm lost here
I can't make it on my own
I don't wanna die alone
I'm so scared
Drowning now
Reaching out
Holding on to everything I love
Crying Out
Dying now
Need some help

Is anybody listenin'?
Can you hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
I'm givin' up myself
Is anybody listenin'?

I now feel quite a bit better. Neurotics have calmed because of a soothing phonecall from boyfriend. As usual I did most of the talking but that doesn't bother me, it's nice to hear his voice. Still, it's annoying because he's in America. Lucky Americans.

Explorers last night was great and made me feel a bit better. I'm less neurotic today, a bit at least. Very musically minded at the moment though. I noticed I seemed to be more outgoing than usual last night as well, and scared a couple of people which is always fun. Paranoia not too bad right now, which is good as long as it doesn't hit back.

My head is...drifting along in its own special way. Which means that it's being awkward but I'm dealing. Sort of.
Red Out.

I by no means intend to continue with 2 posts a day. It's just, there're some things I need to get out. It's difficult though. My head doesn't seem to be working properly. I'm feeling very paranoid, and I'm already neurotic enough. Added on to that, I have no one who I can really talk to properly at the moment. It's like everyone has just sort of flown off. Well, one person has, but he's on a holiday he apparently would rather not be on. That's part of my paranoia. Its unbelievably stupid, but I'm convinced that when he comes back, he won't want to come back to me. I don't know why. I hate my head. It's bullying me again.

Yes, I'm actually choosing the songs that go here. I can advise listening to them.

Opening Credits:
Lip Gloss And Black - Atreyu

Waking Up:
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

First Day At School:
Paranoid - Type O Negative

Falling In Love:
Love You To Death - Type O Negative OR A Kiss To Remember - My Dying Bride OR in my case, Vermillion Part 2 - Slipknot

Fight Song:
Mobscene or The Fight Song - Marilyn Manson

Breaking Up:
Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence OR Predictable - Good Charlotte

Prom:
All The Small Things - blink-182

Life:
Eye Of The Tiger - Survivor

Mental Breakdown:
The Downward Spiral (Full Album)- Nine Inch Nails
OR
The Wall (Full Album) - Pink Floyd
(yes, me having a mental breakdown would require full albums)

Driving:
Dead Skin Mask - Slayer (To creep out the little kids) OR (my uncle's favourites) Born Slippy - Underworld, and Insomnia - Faithless

Flashback:
Bother - Stone Sour (if it was a depressing flashback)
Victoria's Secret - Sonata Artica (if it was happy)

Getting Back Together:
The One I Love - The Rasmus

Wedding:
Suteki Da Na - Rikki Nakano

Birth of Child:
With Arms Wide Open - Creed

Final Battle:
The Evil That Men Do - Iron Maiden
OR
Brighter Than A Thousand Suns - Iron Maiden

A surprising amount of thought went into some of these. Others didn't need it.

I hate models. So so much. I look at a picture of one and all of a sudden every imperfection on my body stands out in my mind. All my problems just stand there staring at me. And it's depressing. I don't want to look at someone who's slim and pretty and realise how I'm so much the opposite. Therefore, I state that models are bad for public moral. It's all very well and good looking in a magazine and saying "Oh, the airbrush did all that" but what about the catwalk? You can't 'airbrush' those women. This is such an unbelievably painful realisation for people who care about this sort of thing. The number of people with eating disorders is rising after already being inexplicably high and yet magazines and fashion shows are still obssessing about size zero. Oh yeah, let's give the younger generations something to cry about...for a change. Yes, we have war, famine and other things going on, but let's face it, these things have been brought to being almost distant from people in places like the UK. Every now and then we have a reawakening (like the recent bombs in London) but, essentially, we're left to be able to focus more closely on our own little worlds. And the modelling community doesn't help. No matter how many men say they prefer people who aren't stick thin, girls are still going to almost revere the people with those figures. Because, unfortunately, they're everywhere. THEY'RE MODELS. They must be pretty like that otherwise they wouldn't do the jobs they do. It's no good thinking about the IQ of most of them because that doesn't help either, it just brings up the question: "Why can't I be pretty AND intelligent?". Depressing. Models make me feel moreso the way I usually do: chunky and unattractive.

I hate models.

And you know the thing that makes it just that bit worse? Read this:
"I just can't get attractive girls."-Guy
"You had * didn't you?" - Me
"Yeah, but that was ages ago. Now I can't even get you to be interested." - Guy

I hate men.

By the power of Sirithis I command thee: Sod Off.